Friday, 1 January 2016
The Nitty Gritty of Faith
I'm not a big fan of the New Year celebrations. Despite the never ending unknowns in our family life and the resulting excitement when the next step is (finally) made clear, I happen to dislike not knowing what is going to happen next. I'm a planner and when I don't know the plan it makes me feel uncomfortable which occasionally edges it's way into panic. This year the unanswered questions (these are my worst kind of 'unknowns' - the ones where you know there has to be an answer but you have no idea what it will be) have dragged at my heels, threatening to floor me.
What will happen to my job once the funding runs out in March?
How will I find a new job which fits in with our family?
Am I even meant to find a new job or am I supposed to be more available for other things?
How are we going to afford to fix the many things that need fixing in this house?
What have we let ourselves in for with this house?
How are we going to find a model that works and is replicable with all that we want to do in this house?
How on earth did we think this was going to actually work with a family to think about?
How will we even pay the mortgage if I don't have a job?
When are we going to have our first lodger?
How will our family adjust to said lodger?
Have we made a massive mistake?
You see. My mind is unkind to me sometimes. Especially in the middle of the night.
But last night, I woke up and looked at my clock. The time was 3:33am. And in our house, we have a saying about those numbers. '333 is God's phone number' because in Jeremiah 33:3 it says this:
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.
And there are so many things I do not know. I have no answers. But I used that phone number in the middle of the night and I called out to the One who has all the answers. He knows all the things I don't know.
This is where faith gets down and dirty. It's easy to have faith when everything drops in your lap. It's easy to believe when you can see how it's all going to pan out. But what about when you can't see and you don't know the answers or even have the resources? That's the nitty gritty of faith. A faith which can't see but trusts the One who can. A faith that battles to keep it's gaze on the One who holds the resources in his hands instead of on the water leaking through the ceiling. A faith that gives the little of what we have and trusts for it to be multiplied.
The questions aren't silenced. The nights are still the battleground of anxiety. The unknowns are still looming somewhere ahead. But faith chooses to keep walking forwards when all I can see is fog. Faith chooses to remember all that has gone before. Faith chooses to fight the anxiety with truth.
Faith is never an easy option. Faith is a choice and, this year, it's what I'm choosing.